Birthday Party Blues

The problem with your charity.

Spam. In a word: spam.

The soft spot in your heart for endangered species, or victims of rare ailments, or the generally downtrodden. etc. etc, most often ends up with you directing me to a website with your particular charity presenting a heart-wrenching case on an expensive platform where you offer the opportunity to instead of buying your seven-year-old a nice birthday present, we might buy a share in the gift of, I am not making this up, a goat for an underprivileged family in a third world country.

We would certainly respect your wishes to spend money on your chosen charity rather than celebrating the birthday of your child, but a trip to Learning Express or some such retailer for a nice toy or game, perhaps a jigsaw puzzle of a goat, will end with a nice toy or game for your birthday girl. A donation to your favorite charity, on the other hand, will result in a mailbox (voice, email and snail mail) full of pleas for more of our money, most of which would go to executives running the “charity” as opposed to actual goats.

While you might want use to give money to provide goats to third world families and to the executives that manage these programs, we, too, have a cause: We want the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution protected. In fact, we will match every dollar you send to the NRA with money for third world goats.

The NRA, by the way, will spend every cent of your donation and then some more trying to extract more money from you. They will call, mail, and email relentlessly. They might do something during off-hours to protect our constitutional second amendment rights, but they will certainly try to sell us insurance and some coffee cups and t-shirts. What about the folks with the goats?

You have been fairly warned about contributing to the NRA. Protecting our second amendment rights is an important cause. Support it through the NRA and enter a world of spam. What about the goats? Do they have t-shirts for sale or perhaps carbon credits?

Carbon credits! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?!

Our youngster is celebrating a birthday! Please don’t get them a game or a puzzle. Don’t get them something they might have a little fun with before they grow up. Instead, please invest in Carbon Credits in their name. While you are at it, add your name, address, phone number, email address etc., to the list of moonbats investing in snake oil and carbon credits.

By the way, if you do not know where to buy carbon credits; we sell them, third aisle on the right, next to the toys for kids.